Escape to Houston: Luxurious Red Lion Inn IAH Airport Stay!
Escape to Houston: Luxurious Red Lion Inn IAH Airport Stay! - Or, My Chaotic Chronicle of Confinement and Comfort
Okay, buckle up buttercups, because this ain't your Grandma's sterile hotel review. We're diving headfirst into my recent experience at the Red Lion Inn near Houston's IAH airport, and trust me, it was a journey. This isn't just a list of amenities; it's a psychological excavation of my stay, complete with all the messy, glorious, and slightly-cringeworthy details.
(Metadata Blast! Because SEO apparently matters… sigh.)
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Accessibility:
Let's just be upfront: I'm not in a wheelchair. So, I can't personally vouch for everything in this category, but the Red Lion claims to be wheelchair accessible. They list facilities for disabled guests, and there's an elevator (thank GOD). The website mentions "accessible rooms," and they seemed pretty keen on the whole "inclusivity" vibe. But honestly, I didn't go digging for every single handrail and ramp. I'll take their word for it and leave it at that. If you do need absolute confirmation, call ahead. Because, ya know, internet reviews aren't gospel.
On-site Accessible Restaurants/Lounges: Well, I saw a restaurant. And a bar. They looked accessible. See above, for disclaimer.
Internet Access: The Eternal Struggle (and Glorious Relief!)
Alright. Let's talk Wi-Fi. It's a dealbreaker, right? The Red Lion boasts "Free Wi-Fi in all rooms!" PRAISE BE! Because let's be honest, the thought of paying extra to update my Insta profile gives me the shivers. And you know what? It actually worked! Fast, reliable, didn't drop out mid-binge-watching session. Bonus points for that. Internet [LAN] access is ALSO listed, but who uses that antiquated technology anymore? I'm talking old school, dial-up level. Shudders again.
Things to Do, Ways to Relax: Spa Dreams and Poolside Procrastination
The Red Lion paints a picture of utter relaxation. They have everything. Everything. A fitness center (which I looked at, but miraculously avoided), a pool with a view (which I used and thoroughly enjoyed – more on that later), a sauna, and a spa. A SPA! Now, I dreamed of a body scrub, a body wrap, the works. But my actual experience went more like this…
The Spa: A Near-Miss with Heaven (and Maybe a Little Humiliation)
I envisioned myself, sleek, oiled, and blissfully silent. I called the spa, ready to book a massage. The phone rang. And rang. And rang. No answer. I tried again later. Same result. Day two: same. I wandered down, hoping to catch someone off guard. I found…a closed door. A sign promising "spa services" but also a distinct lack of human presence. My luxurious spa dreams were reduced to me staring longingly at a door. (Perhaps it was my fault for not booking in advance…or for just being me?) Major letdown.
The Pool: My Personal Oasis (and Occasional Embarrassment)
However, the pool? Perfection. A beautiful, shimmering rectangle of chlorinated heaven. With a view! I spent hours floating, pretending to be a glamorous movie star. I even attempted a graceful dive (emphasis on attempted). Let's just say I made a bigger splash than I expected. Mortified, I retreated to a poolside lounger, where I spent the afternoon reading a trashy novel and pretending to be the epitome of sophistication. It was a perfect day, punctuated only by the occasional, slightly-too-loud cough whenever I emerged from the water. (Apparently, I'm allergic to chlorine now? Go figure.) But hey, at least I had a spectacular tan line to show for it.
Cleanliness and Safety: Pandemic Panic Meets Professional Practices
Okay, let's get real for a second. We're in the middle of a global pandemic. Safety is paramount. The Red Lion gets points for trying. They had hand sanitizer everywhere, and the staff wore masks (mostly). There was a whole laundry list of hygiene certifications and "anti-viral cleaning products" listed. Rooms apparently get sanitized between stays. Individually wrapped food options. Cashless payment. Physical distancing… well, that was a bit hit and miss, let's be honest. People are people, and sometimes they get close. But the effort was there, and that’s what counts, right?
Dining, Drinking, and Snacking: From Bland Buffets to Poolside Cocktails
Ah, the food saga. The Red Lion had a buffet. (I bravely stared it down on Day One; then opted for room service for the rest of the trip.) They provide an option for Alternative meal arrangements. Asian and International cuisine in the restaurant. Breakfast [buffet], Breakfast service in room. A coffee shop. Snack bar. Restaurants… And a bar!
The Breakfast Buffet of Doom (or at least, Mediocrity)
The breakfast buffet…well, it was a buffet. Standard hotel fare. Eggs, bacon (or a suspiciously similar sausage substitute), cold cereal, sad-looking fruit. I filled a plate. Ate. Didn't get sick. That's a win, right? I yearned for a genuinely good coffee.
Room Service: My Savior and My Expense Account’s Enemy.
My savior? Room service. 24 hours! I’m talking late-night fries, early morning coffee, and everything in between. The menu was decent. The food arrived promptly. The prices… well, let’s just say my expense account is going to weep.
The Poolside Bar: My Happy Hour Sanctuary
The poolside bar, though? That was a winner. A perfectly crafted margarita, cold and refreshing, while I floated in the pool. It’s where the worries melted away and I embraced my inner…well, me: a klutzy, sunscreen-covered, slightly awkward individual blissfully enjoying a cocktail.
Services and Conveniences: The Perks and the Perks I Overlooked
The Red Lion provides a whole host of services. Air conditioning in the public areas? Check. Audio-visual equipment? Probably. Luggage storage? Sure. Daily housekeeping? My room always felt fresh! I didn’t use a lot of these things, I did not need facilities for disabled guests. Frankly, I was happy just to have a clean room and a functioning Wi-Fi. But it’s nice to know they're there, right?
For the Kids: Babysitting? Maybe. My kids weren't with me, so I can't say for sure.
The Red Lion lists "Family/child friendly" and "Kids facilities". I didn’t have my kids with me, so I can't give you a first-hand account. Sorry, folks!
Access, Security, and Getting Around: The Essentials
The basics. CCTV in common areas? Check. Check-in/out [express] available! 24-hour front desk. Fire extinguishers. Room decorations (I think). Smoke alarms. Security [24-hour]. Smoke detectors. Airport transfer? Yes, thankfully! Valet parking? Also yes. Car park [free of charge] and car park [on-site]? You got it!
Available in all rooms: The Suite Life (or at least an approximation of it)
Air conditioning? Duh. Alarm clock? Sadly, yes. Bathrobes? Yes. Bathrooms phone! Bathtub! Blackout curtains? Carpeting? Closet? Coffee/tea maker? Complimentary tea? Daily housekeeping? I’m noticing a pattern here… they provide all the normal stuff… the usual comforts. Desk? Extra long bed? Free bottled water? Hair dryer? Seating area? Separate shower/bathtub? Shower? Slippers? Smoke detector? Socket near the bed? Sofa? Soundproofing? Telephone? Toiletries? Towels? Umbrella? Wake-up service? Wi-Fi [free]? Window that opens? (Whew!)
My Final, Slightly-Cynical Verdict
Did the Red Lion Inn near IAH live up to its promise of luxurious escape? Well, it wasn’t exactly a five-star resort. The spa experience flunked. The breakfast buffet was…meh. BUT, I had a clean room with decent Wi-Fi, a fantastic pool, and the convenience of being near the airport. It was a comfortable, functional base of operations, and at the end of a few days I was ready to check out. Would I stay there again? Possibly. I’d probably call ahead to the spa this time. And bring my own coffee. And maybe, just maybe, master the art of the graceful dive. 3.5 out of 5 stars: a solid, if slightly flawed, experience. And hey, at least I have a good story (and this review!) to show for it.
Boulder's BEST Kept Secret? This Residence Inn Will Blow You Away!
Alright, buckle up, buttercups, because this ain't your slick, brochure-perfect itinerary. This is the real deal, a Red Lion Inn & Suites IAH Airport East experience, raw and unfiltered. Get ready for some Houston-sized drama.
Day 1: Arrival. Because getting there is half the battle… right?
- 1:00 PM - Arrival at IAH (George Bush Intercontinental Airport): Okay, Houston, here I am! After a flight from [Insert City, Country], which felt like a never-ending purgatory of crying babies and questionable airplane food. Seriously, I swear they're serving recycled air at this point. My luggage? Pray for it. Actually, come to think of it, I never got a confirmation that my luggage would actually arrive.
- 1:30 PM - Airport Shuttle Fiasco (or, the prelude to a comedy of errors): Found the Red Lion shuttle! Hooray! (Insert sarcastic air quotes.) Actually, finding it was easy. It was the waiting that was the problem. An hour later - sweating and swearing and questioning every life choice that led me here - the van lurches to a halt. The driver, bless his heart, looks like he’s already had a rough day. He seems to know he'll die on this job, so I keep my mouth shut. The back window is busted, and the air conditioning is more of a gentle suggestion. "This is gonna be fun," I grumble under my breath.
- 2:30 PM - Check-In (and existential dread): Finally, at the Red Lion! The lobby smells faintly of bleach and despair. The receptionist, bless her weary soul, is dealing with a minor crisis involving a rogue credit card and a very irate businessman in a suit. I can already relate. Check-in is smooth enough, though I'm pretty sure the elevator is held together with hope and duct tape. My internal monologue goes something like: "Did I pack enough snacks? Do they have a decent coffee machine? Will I make it out of this alive?" The front desk worker hands me my key card. "Have a good stay!" she says. I think, "Lady, the feeling is not mutual."
- 3:00 PM - Room Inspection (and quiet despair): The room. Oh, the room. It's… a room. Clean-ish. The carpet looks like it’s seen some things. The bedspread… well, let's just say I'm glad I brought my own pillowcase. But hey, it has a working TV! Progress! I drop my bag and fall dramatically onto the bed (okay, it's more of a slump), letting out a sigh that could probably power a small city. This trip is already living up to its promise.
- 4:00 PM - Unpack, and contemplate existence: unpacking is hard, but I gotta do it. I slowly pull out my clothes, and I start thinking how I don’t want to be here. I didn’t ask whatever higher being to let me exist, and now I’m here. I’m stuck here with my thoughts and my clothes. I don’t know what to do.
- 6:00 PM - Dinner at the hotel diner (or, the lonely traveler's feast): I didn't have a car, so, the hotel's diner it is. The menu is classic, predictable, and slightly sad. I order the burger, because it's the safest option. "How do you want that cooked," the waitress asks "I don't know," I reply. So she sighs and asks, "Medium?" "Sure," I say. When it arrives, the burger is… edible, and not much else. The fries are lukewarm. I eat in silence, people watching and feeling alone. It's a vibe. In the corner, you see someone cry.
Day 2: Houston, We Have a Problem…and It's Me
- 7:00 AM: Wake-Up and Coffee Hell: The alarm blares. I drag myself out of bed, feeling like a zombie. The coffee machine in the room is an ancient artifact. I brew a cup. It tastes like burnt asphalt. I seriously consider pouring it down the drain, but I am still a poor student, so i still think that it will at least give me the energy to do the work.
- 8:00 AM: Work
- 12:00 PM - Late-night snack (and a moral crisis): There is no more food, so I went to the gas station nearby. It smelled like gas and despair. I bought the cheapest thing - chips. As I'm eating them in my sad little hotel room, I think. I want to eat more. I want to go to bed. I want to never wake up. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be hungry. I want to be comfortable. I want to be happy.
- 6:00 PM - Exploring (or, aimless wandering): I take a walk. I walk, and walk, and walk, and come back. I walk by some homeless people. I just feel bad. I don't have money to give them. I feel like a terrible person, so I walk back to the hotel.
- 8:00 PM - Evening relaxation: I sit on the bed. I watch a movie. I think of everything that happened. I think. A lot.
Day 3: Departure (and the sweet taste of freedom)
- 7:00 AM: wake up, then eat my last chips: I eat the chips, then I feel the same. I see the sun. I feel hope.
- 8:00 AM - Check-Out (and a final goodbye): Check out is quick and painless. The receptionist, a different one this time, is surprisingly cheerful. Perhaps she works the morning shift, and has yet to face existential dread yet. I hand over my key card, and whisper a silent prayer of thanks that I survived.
- 8:30 AM - Airport Shuttle Redux (round two!): The shuttle arrives. This time, it's even more banged up.
- 9:30 AM - Departure from IAH: Houston, it's been…an experience. I'm outta here. I wave goodbye to the Red Lion Inn & Suites, and promise myself to never again book a hotel so close to an airport. But hey, at least I have a story to tell.
Final Thoughts:
So, there you have it. A somewhat chaotic, probably inaccurate, but hopefully amusing account of my stay at the Red Lion Inn & Suites IAH Airport East. It wasn't glamorous, but it was real. And sometimes, that's all you can ask for. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to make some good coffee and plan my next adventure…somewhere far, far away from airports.
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Escape to Houston: Luxurious Red Lion Inn IAH Airport Stay! (Or...Did I Actually "Escape"?) - FAQs (Because Apparently, I'm the Designated Expert Now)
Okay, First Things First: Is This REALLY "Luxurious"? Because Airport Hotels...you know.
Alright, deep breaths. "Luxurious" is a word... let's just say it's *subjective*. My expectations were, shall we say, tempered. I’ve seen airport hotels that look like they’re actively trying to *discourage* you from sleeping. You know? Like, "We're here, we exist, now please leave us in peace."
The Red Lion? Better. Much better. The lobby didn't smell like airplane pretzels and existential dread, which is already a win. The rooms are... well-appointed. (That's hotel speak for "clean and with a decent bed.") Did I feel like royalty? Nah. Did I actually *sleep* without feeling like I was being swallowed by the void? Yes. So, consider it "Airport Hotel Plus." Think of it this way: It's the difference between eating cold, week-old pizza and...slightly warmed-up, two-day-old pizza. Still pizza, but...you get the idea.
Just...don't expect a spa. Trust me. (More on that later. Ugh.)
The Shuttle: Free? Reliable? Because I've heard horror stories...
This is where things get...interesting. The website *says* "Free Airport Shuttle." And indeed, it is. *Technically*.
My initial experience? Let's just say I witnessed a near-riot at the pickup zone. Imagine a scene from a zombie movie, but instead of zombies, it's sleep-deprived travelers frantically waving their arms and yelling "RED LION! RED LION!" (I might have been one of them. Don't judge me, I was running on fumes and the sheer terror of missing my connection.)
The driver? Bless his heart. He was trying. But the airport? A labyrinth. The route? "Suggestive." We eventually got there, and I swear I saw him muttering something about "fighting the system." Ultimately, it got me there...Eventually. So, free? Yes. Reliable? Well, pack a book, some snacks, and a healthy dose of patience. And maybe a prayer.
What's the deal with the food? I'm starving!
Okay, food…this is where some cracks may appear. The on-site restaurant, I believe it had a name. Probably. I was too preoccupied with the sheer exhaustion of being alive to remember. Let's call it "The Eatery." I bravely ventured in hoping for redemption after the shuttle ordeal. BIG mistake.
First, I was greeted by the waitress, probably trying to get through her shift and a weary smile... The food? Well, let's just say my "gourmet burger" tasted suspiciously like it was prepared and frozen during the Carter administration. The fries were… I think they were the same ones from the hotel lobby earlier that day. (I probably shouldn’t have eaten them. But, hunger is a powerful motivator.)
Look, The Eatery exists. It provides sustenance. But if you're a foodie (or even just someone who occasionally enjoys food), maybe plan ahead. Uber Eats? Definitely. Pre-packed snacks? Absolutely. My advice? Lower your expectations. Then lower them *again*. And by the time the food arrives, you won't be disappointed...maybe.
The Pool...is it any good? I'm dreaming of a swim.
The pool. Oh, the POOL. I approached this with cautious optimism. A pool! After the airport chaos, the questionable food, and the shuttle saga, maybe...just maybe...this would be my moment of Zen. A chance to float, to relax, to shed my mortal coil for a few blissful minutes.
The reality? Let's say I spent more time dodging rogue pool noodles and screaming children than actually swimming. It was crowded. Loud. And the water temperature? Let's just say it was "refreshing" in the sense that it jolted me awake. And the chlorine? Well, my hair is still a little crispy. My eyes can't forget that place.
If you're looking for a tranquil oasis, maybe try a different hotel. Or, you know, a quiet lake. Or even just your own bathtub. The pool is...an experience.
I heard something about a "Spa"... Is that actually true?
Okay, now we’re getting to the heart of the matter. The Spa. The thing the website *claims* to have. I am going to rant here. I’m warning you.
I needed a massage. Like, *desperately*. Years of travel, stress, and questionable dietary choices had taken their toll. So I called the front desk and inquired with genuine excitement. “Yes, ma’am!” the lady said, “We have an onsite spa! Right here! Just book your session!”. I booked it. 80 dollars, my body feels relaxed already.
It turned out the "Spa" was a single room in the bowels of the hotel, next to the laundry room, and operated by a woman who looked like she was recently freed from a pirate ship. The massage? Let’s just say I left feeling like I’d been tenderized with a meat mallet. The "aromatherapy" was a vague scent of something vaguely floral and possibly toxic. Honestly, I think I was given the 30-minute massage, and that was it- a single, terrible, memory.
Don’t go. Seriously. Run. Just...run. And if you see a sign for a spa at the Red Lion Inn IAH Airport, turn around.
Overall, would you recommend staying here?
Okay, the honest answer? It's a tough call. It has the potential, but it's not always there. Look, if you just need a place to crash near the airport, and you're not expecting miracles, it's... serviceable. The bed was comfy. The room was clean. And it's better than sleeping on a bench at the airport. Maybe.
But if you're dreaming of a luxurious escape? Maybe lower your expectations a *smidge*. Pack your own snacks. Prepare for the shuttle adventures. and pray to whatever deity you prefer that the spa is not still around. And then, maybe, just maybe, you'll survive. Just don’t expect too much, and you might actually enjoy it.
Good luck. You'll need it. And hey, if you see me there, buy me a drink. I'll tell you the whole, unvarnished truth.Best Hotels Blog
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